No time for an entry. Just a photo.

See ya!

After a week and a half, I'm finally feeling physically better. Still emotionally and creatively shaky, but both weekend days had studio time which ultimately is good, even if it doesn't feel so in the moment. Today and tomorrow are very full workdays, but I'm taking vacation time the remainder of the week. I have over 20 hours of vacation time to use or lose before the new year.

Thus far I'm back on track for daily painting including today and tomorrow, even if it's only a half hour or so due to full work days.

Last week while in the throes of being sick, my painting statement came to me when I realized I've been exploring grief in paint. Coming up with a statement has been a year long struggle (that I've attempted to show patience to)...and out of the blue, there it was. Now to find the words but I won't rush that process. It'll happen.


Slowly, I'm working on rebuilding trust. Trust in myself. My intuition. It took a huge hit, and time hasn't eased it. In the last few months it's affected my painting. Part of that is because it's been so busy (vacation, work, sick) that my regular practice was derailed. Not going in everyday has left me feeling inept. Vacation was good. Spending time in a place that wasn't tainted with the hurts of the last 8 years was needed and healing on some level. Work...well, sometimes work will get crazy. It is what it is. I still love my job. Actually, still feel blessed and in awe that I work where I work and with some amazing people.

But the painting is unsettling. I go in. Paint. And then have no idea what to do to them. What is most disturbing is the fear. When I get to a certain point, I'm then afraid to make changes. So I begin another one, as I did again yesterday.

Also yesterday I took photos of the stuck pieces. Sometimes, when I can look at them as a jpeg, away from the studio, something will come to me.

I hope to get my bearings back.
I miss me. The brave me.

Today consisted of studio time although there was more staring than painting. It takes energy to be courageous and seeing energy has been in short supply, I don't know how to go into my work and make it better. It all feels overwhelming.

So instead, I cleaned, prepped a couple new canvases and took photos of the shadows in the space.

This morning's memorial procession for Seattle's slain policer officer, Timothy Brenton, began at UW, down Montlake to 23rd, up E Madison, down to Pine, Broadway, Denny and to Key Arena. You can click on the photo to make it bigger. Although it was my day off, I went into the office for a few hours and happened to catch this as it went past our building. It took over a half hour...hundreds of law enforcement vehicles. I noticed some were from Idaho, various parts of British Columbia, Eugene Or and even Missoula, MT.

Honestly, it was a poignant experience. My eyes filled with tears. People had lined up on the street, creating an environment of hushed respect. There was even a certain Buddhist priest I know, in his robes, standing on the next corner in a prayerful state.

Overnight, into this morning the weather was wild. We had hail, very high winds, pelting rains and even the rare Seattle thunderstorm. Oddly, just before the procession began the skies lightened, the rain stopped and the sun even came out for a bit.

It was a surreal morning.


P.S. if anyone wants to bitch about an excessive display, please take it somewhere else. I don't have the patience for it today. I myself am holding conflicting feelings. There is some uncomfortableness alongside great empathy for not only the family but for Officer Sweeney, a rookie and partner of the slain officer, who was sitting next to Officer Brenton and was shot as well. So...I'm just going to let it all exist together.


Surreal indeed.

Tonight is art walk.

I still have yet to work a full day. One nasty thing about this flu-whatever thingy is how it kicks your ass even when the other symptoms are gone.

There are 5 in progress paintings and so I hung them on my second wall. If I have any energy, I want to be there for the 1st hour. We'll see.

I must be feeling a little better because I've held off on this entry for about a week and a half.

This page is how I noodle with doodles.

A couple Sundays ago, Bill and I spent an afternoon at the Henry. While in the Vortexhibition Polyphonica exhibit, a piece captivated me. It was a work by Paul Kos, titled "Not If But When"...a series of cuckoo clocks on the wall and each pair of balanced weights were replaced with a hammer and sickle. The clocks would go off periodically.

After staring, staring, walking away, returning and staring some more, I plopped down on the floor, leaned against the wall and grabbed my Henry flyer because I didn't have any other paper. I was fascinated by the dangling objects.

Then I began thinking of some of Jim Dine's work, and Jasper Johns, especially his Lightbulb show that was in the next room. Juan Sanchez Cotan also came to mind.

I was thinking about my rectangle paintings which have been in a holding pattern. Thinking about dangling things...physically, emotionally...

So I doodled. Fast. Furious.

I don't know where these will go, but once my strength has returned, I look forward to further exploration.

The little squares on the bottom half of the page happened after, when I returned to the Mapplethorpe Polaroid exhibit. My hand still wanted to move and so I sat on a bench in the middle of the room and just captured the lights and darks in each small Polaroid.

I'm truly sorry for what happened in Maine. It is heart-breaking. And for us in WA State, it's still too close to tell. It's a long haul.

There is a good article in this morning's Seattle Times that I find inspiring.

From Right here, right now, history is incubating:

"The take-away: The gay-rights movement has won over to its side 10 to 12 percent of this state in the past dozen years.

That's about 1 percent per year. That may not seem like much. But
sweeping political change occurs when the center 5 or 10 percent shifts
to the other side"

Read the whole thing here.

Today....go VOTE! And you have until the end of today to mail in your ballot.

For Seattle, vote YES on R71 and NO on 1033.
And here are some links with election endorsements:

FUSE Progressive Voters Guide

SEAMEC

The Stranger's Election endorsements

I've been sick since last Tuesday night. Flu-type stuff.
Today, I'm still home recuperating. Most of the symptoms have disappeared but have been replaced by massive exhaustion. Ginger ale, saltines, sinus drugs and some homemade chicken soup from good friends have really helped.

Regarding painting, October has been a lost month. First, 2 1/2 weeks were devoted to work which left no extra art energy. Then a couple days where I went in and painted, to then get sick. This Thursday night is art walk and I don't expect to make it. I'll get to the studio to clean my space so my studio mates can open, but it may be more prudent if I stay in.

This morning, the Slog linked to this cartoon. Loony Tunes has always been one of my favorites. I haven't seen this piece since I was little. The composition and drawing is really wonderful.

What's Opera, Doc (WB-Chuck Jones, 1957)
by dephaad

Happy Halloween...

Although work is still pretty busy, I think I'm back on track for studio time. Yesterday afternoon was the first time in what feels like weeks, where I returned to the studio after work and painted. It was good...and with an added bonus.

There is an artist on my floor whom I highly respect. We don't see each other very often but when we do and have the time, we'll each share our stuff with the other, including asking for advice and opinions. We hadn't seen each other in almost two months.

Yesterday, while painting, I had my door open and he popped his head in. He's wonderfully respectful of painting time and checked in a couple time to make sure he wasn't interrupting me. We spent a good half hour looking at and discussing each other's work. It was time very well spent. And it didn't hurt that the painting I'd been struggling with was beginning to come together.

I enjoyed an apple in the studio and then when I returned home, it was after 7pm and I didn't want a heavy supper. So I opted for one more apple, a piece of cheese and glass of milk. It was perfect.

After being derailed by the day gig for the last month, it is a return to the discipline of daily studio time. It's good for my heart.

Another from yesterday's time in Volunteer Park's conservatory.

It really is a magical place...

From the dahlia garden at Volunteer Park...

Volunteer Park conservatory with Bill.

Scrolling thru the Urban Sketchers site yesterday I found this...little watercolor travel kit in an Altoids tin.

I was in awe of the size of the kit. Absolutely captivated. Showing it to a few friends, they were more enthralled with the amount of color that could be mixed from only three colors.

Thinking about it I realized that I tend to do the same. My palette consists primarily of...yes, primaries. This practice goes back about 15 years. Ultramarine blue, alizarin crimson, yellow ochre and a white. They are my foundation. In addition, I would have a sap green which was strictly used to mix with the red and/or blue to make neutrals or a black.

When I began exploring the bleeding vessels paintings, I stopped using sap green and instead switched to burnt umber.

Small piles of cad red and cad yellow may end up on the palette, but only when I feel a little more color punch is needed. The cadmium red is being used more frequently with these new paintings. And...at times a very wee bit of pthalo blue will be squeezed out. It is so intense that very little goes a long way and when sparingly mixed with other colors, gives me something luscious.

I have a tube of cobalt blue that was purchased almost a year ago because I wanted a more middle of the road blue and one that wasn't as transparent as the ultramarine. But for some unknown reason, it's never been used.

For a short spell, back in school, I'd purchase a cad orange, violet and various greens. Also mars red, cerulean blue and rose madder. But I stopped using them because I truly get off on seeing what colors can be mixed from my basic palette. It feeds my "less is more" tendencies.

The trick is remembering what I mixed so it can be replicated. Once in a while some of my best colors have come from accidents...just mixing and then mixing again. I'll love it and sadly have no idea how to duplicate it.

It is definitely one of my greatest painting challenges...creating light and space and have the colors dancing together. Always a mystery. When it happens, I am humbled and feel quite blessed.

There is something very magical for me in working with color. It may sound like an odd statement considering this entry begins with a b&w photo and ends with these two b&w drawings that I fell in love with yesterday but again, like everything in life, context is key.


And here is this week's Freewill Astrology.

What I thought would be a slower and easier work week has turned into immense zaniness. Yesterday was an 11.5 hour day at the computer, manipulating data. When I got home, I couldn't do anything but crash in my chair and then in bed by 8 pm. There will be very little studio time this week.

I look forward to returning to the bottles...little communities depicting various relationships. An ongoing exploration of power dynamics.

At this rate, I don't foresee any studio time until Saturday.


p.s. That wall in the back? That's my new 2nd wall from my rental expansion. It doubled the workspace to 400 square feet. two windows and two big walls.

Ogunquit

Still working through some photos from my road trip day as well as the ocean visit (as you can see from yesterday's entry).

Rain has been falling pretty much nonstop for a few days. It changes from heavy pellets to soft mist. This morning the cloud ceiling is exceptionally low creating dark air.

There's a party and before that an open studio that I've been looking forward to attending. Hopefully I'll paint at some point but because my resting days were filled with stressful work stuff, energy is still depleted. The little I've done in the studio is pretty much utter crap. Ideas abound but execution is harsh.

It's one of the low cycles of my creative process. The most challenging part of it is to not see myself as a painting failure during this time yet remember that it's winter in my garden. Regardless of what appears on canvas, practice is important.

Sedna...

Yesterday afternoon we completed 4 full retreat days. It was very good and exciting because brainstorming seeds from these events tend to sprout new directions and programming ideas.

I'm seriously fried and am taking the remainder of this week off for some flex time minus the 3 hours or so each morning I need to pull reports and finish projects. Other than that, I'm resting lots, slowly reconnecting with a few friends and today, reintroducing myself to my studio.

On top of it, this weekend is getting booked. Lots to juggle. Next week looks hopeful in returning to a more manageable schedule which will include my regular painting discipline.

Today is a gorgeous day where the skies go dark and pour heavy rains, to then switch in a blink to an amazing sunlight and then return to showers. Much variety and the light is beautiful.

How I spent equality weekend:

Celebrated sex…

Friday afternoon I went to HUMP!5, The Stranger's amateur porn festival, with 4 of my coworkers. After a dinner of great Thai food, I headed off for a birthday party with a small group of very intense pervs. Great conversations about the state of the s/m mainstream community and the various fringes and well as lining up future play dates for some extreme play that I haven't done in about 8 years but willing to do again with a certain top. It was a very pleasant surprise. We've played in the past and each time has been incredibly hot. Going to a different edge with him will be really interesting. From there, I planned on attending another birthday party which included bodies and a hot tub, but I could barely keep my eyes open. And I had to be up early for a weekend of work.





Educated further on social justice...

Saturday and Sunday was our annual retreat with staff, our board and volunteers. On Saturday we met at the NW African American museum and on Sunday at the Wing Luke Asian Museum. We spent both days discussing social justice which is a broader mission than focusing on one issue. We began with a panel discussion with 3 invited guests who are experts in the field of social justice and all attending were wowed by not only what we heard, but the energy and character of each of the panelists. In addition to the conversations and processing, we toured both museums.





Silently participated in the equality march...

On Sunday, we ended about 12:30 and I ran home to crash. Seattle was holding an equality march and rally but my energy was fairly depleted and I couldn't participate. So I called Eric and we did food on Broadway. After we ate we saw the march coming down the street, headed for the federal courthouse. Walked alongside on the sidewalk for a few blocks (which was the most energy I could muster) and then came home.




All these images were shot yesterday. It was a full weekend. I'm pretty fried now but truly enjoyed each moment (after Friday morning's grief worked itself out) as it unfolded. And now I need to head out for part 2 of our retreat - a 2 day staff only retreat.

It's a rough morning because I woke in tears. Memory after memory flashed behind my eyes...all images of being thrown away, ignored, shunned, disregarded. Abandoned. My heart feels broken and I'm working on getting it together because I'm beginning 5 non-stop days of busyness and desire to do so with a clarity and openness. I don't want past traumas to taint present experiences with fear and mistrust.

I'm trying to return to the cleanness I felt while at the ocean.

Still very busy.

8 blessed, solid hours of sleep Tuesday night gave enough of an energy boost for a long day at work, with actual studio time afterward that involved doing preliminaries on 4 illustrations for the book commission, working an older painting, began a new one, had dinner with a friend and then we shared a delicious and deep conversation sitting at the piers while watching the sun set over the bay and the Olympics. From then I bussed home and immediately crawled into bed, catching last night's episode of GLEE.

Here are a few links:

NPR is looking for your opinion on the 50 greatest recorded voices to do a year long exploration beginning in January 2010.
From their site:

Between Oct. 5 and Oct. 16, we're asking you — NPR listeners and readers — to tell us who in the whole world possesses the most beautiful, singular voice you have ever heard. Leave your picks, along with a sentence defending each choice and a link to an audio clip if possible, in the comments below, or email GreatVoices@npr.org

Go here to enter a comment with your nomination. The comments are also an interesting read. I'm discovering new singers I need to explore.

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Thanks to Thor for this link of some amazing performance art earlier this week in Berlin, Germany.

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For those in the Seattle area who can't make the National March in D.C. this weekend, there is a weekend of equality events happening here in town. Check out nationalmarch.seattleoutprotest.org for itinerary. Scroll down for details.

Some of the events include a HIV/AIDS Vigil on Saturday, October 10th at 6:30 to be held at
Seattle Central Community College South Plaza, Broadway & E Pine.

On Sunday there is a march and rally.
March begins at 2:00 pm at Volunteer Park, 10th Ave E & E Prospect
Rally at 5:00 pm at the Federal Courthouse, 7th & Stewart

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This week's Freewill Astrology.

Another shot from Saturday's road trip.

Almost overwhelmed at work. Almost...but I'm not caving yet. Last night I was so exhausted my eyes wouldn't stay open. That is, until I closed them and then insomnia hit along with nonstop thoughts about all that needed to be completed in the next two weeks.

Today, it's coffee and deep breaths.

From Saturday when Phil and I scrambled over mossy rocks to get down to the riverbed.

Not much to say. Busy work week and not sure how much painting time I'll have in the next few days. My head is busting with items from my day gig's to-do list plus looking forward to dear friends flying in today.

A few more from yesterday's roadtrip. We ate lunch at the Cascadia Inn in Skykomish where I had a good opportunity to shoot Phil and David. That little inn doesn't look like much but the food was quite wonderful. It was rustic, simple and pretty groovy.

Scarecrows and sunflowers in Skykomish.

In celebration of autumn, today was a road trip to Stevens Pass filled with...

pumpkins
crispy apples
barns
rivers
woods
hints of snow on mountain peaks
scarecrows
evergreens
strawberry rhubarb pie
laughter
friends.





More photos in the next few days.

Last Saturday, after a very late lunch we walked down Broadway. Right at the end of the block there was a band with a tin pan alley feel. It felt like the first perfect autumn day. It was 4 pm, the shadows getting long, a hint of color in the trees and music filled the street. We enjoyed it so much that we spent a fabulous hour listening to them. Stephen was walking down the street and we called to him. He joined us for the rest of this little street concert filled with jazz, blues and swing.

At some point, 4 of the musicians stopped playing and did some tap. And a couple other times, folks would get up and dance. All very talented and much fun. So much so that I needed to get to an ATM, and then grab a coffee across the street so I'd have bills to tip them. Street musicians have a very special place in my heart.

I could imagine having them come to a First Thursday and set up in the hallway outside of my studio. Before they packed up I asked them for their card but they had run out. Instead, I was given the website of the guy on the saxophone...KevinBuster.com.

It was one of those perfect afternoons, with the combination of weather, light, music and energy.